Gross cloud of depression

Don’t let the featured image for this scare you, I’m not suicidal. I never have been actually. I’ve always just been able to relate to that feeling (and I still can) of not wanting to kill myself, but just not really wanting to be alive or have to be a functioning human in the world. I’ve hated myself for a long time, and going to AA and starting to work the steps have helped a little, but lately I’ve been in this gross funk that I just can’t shake, and those awful feelings of depression have started creeping back in. 

If you have never read the articles Adventures in Depression or Depression Part Two on the website Hyperbole and a Half, you really should. The minute I first came across these articles, I immediately identified with everything she was saying. But not only that, I’ve since used it as a resource to give to people so they can better understand me. My boyfriend being one of those people. It explains it perfectly, with a little bit of humor thrown in so it doesn’t seem so harsh and scary.

I’m starting to feel like “why bother even going to AA, you just end up feeling alone and awkward,” which is exactly how I felt last night at the meeting. Yeah, I posted that kind of funny video about befriending a cat, and that’s always kind have been my way. Self deprecation is my armor, and I use it when I truly start to hate myself, but don’t want others to know it. I did it ALL THE TIME when I was drinking. I always blacked out and did stupid stuff that deeply embarrassed me and gave me enormous anxiety when I woke up, but I would just laugh it off and be like “LOLLLL yeah I’m hot mess but it’s funny right?” But inside I was dying.

And that’s how I felt last night. I got home from the meeting feeling just kind of off. Before I even got out of my car I started crying and thought to myself “I’m going to meetings and doing the steps. I thought I was doing better. So why do I still hate myself? Why do I still feel like the girl in that cartoon above, who wants to somehow become not alive?”

Again, don’t worry, you don’t need to put me on suicide watch. I’m currently at work setting up our Halloween and Christmas displays, and later I’ll probably go to a meeting.

I’m not quite sure what the point of this post was, other than to just put it out to the universe and hope for some kind of response or change from my higher power. If you actually read through this whole little rant, thanks. 

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8 thoughts on “Gross cloud of depression

  1. Well, maybe the point of your post IS to just let it go. As I deal with depression, alcoholism and all of the other crap in life, sometimes I get to a point where I realize there aren’t answers, there aren’t solutions and that sometimes it’s just about letting the time pass and let it all go. Eventually it changes, because emotions are temporary.

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  2. I feel you. I was a couple of years (or so) into my recovery when it dawned on me that A), the Oldtimers who said not to take any kind of medication for mental illness WERE NOT DR.S, so they were just spouting their opinions; and B), maybe I was suffering from more than just alcoholism/addiction, and just MAYBE a Dr. would have some helpful ideas.
    The answers for alkie/druggies are absolutely in the Steps, BUT even Bill & Bob admitted that they “knew only a little”…

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  3. I couldn’t agree more with the Oldtimers theory. If you’ve read any of my posts on my experiences with AA you’ll understand. Sometimes you need a new group. One that is going to understand a little better or shared a lifestyle closer to yours. The first group I was in I never talked. I couldn’t tell them I kept company with the cast of “Oz”. The show from HBO. I make obscure references that only I seem to get. Or that my first “boyfriend” had a teardrop tattoo under one eye. These were men and women in their 50’s and 60’s who were upper middle class and somewhat known in the community. The lived for meetings. And if you have underlying issues that are mental health related a lot of them didn’t get it. I was told to go off my medications. I was undiagnosed Bipolar at the time. I can’t imagine what I would have been like without any medication. Take it all with a grain of salt just leave out the tequila and breathe. Keep sharing here if you have to. Believe me I wish I had a blog back then. If I had to hear my 67 year old sponsor say “I was a piss your pants bar room broad.” one more time I was going to hurt her. I know , rambling.

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  4. So can relate….I’ve just recently started blogging about my depression, dysfunctions, feelings, emotions, and thoughts. For years I’ve stuck my head in the sand…living in denial…telling myself “life just sucks, that’s the way it is…as I ran to the bar to self medicate. A few years ago, had a health scare and had to stop drinking (oh I do still have a rare occasional beer when out socially, but never more than one or two)…I guess it’s true that some clouds do have silver linings. Thanks for stopping by my site. Like your thoughts…definitely will stop by again 🙂

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  5. That picture is so spot on. And I can never gauge how normal a thought that is because you can’t really articulate it. Despite everyone putting Facebook statuses showing solidarity with mental illness and the media writing about how we need to understand depression I just can’t go ‘I don’t care if I don’t wake up tomorrow. Regularly. Do you?’ To anyone.

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    1. THANK YOU! So accurate! I honestly don’t think my boyfriend fully took my depression seriously until I said something along those lines to him. Only other people who feel that same feeling can 100% relate.

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